I'm really bad at socialising. I always do not know what to say when people talk, so I end up just listening and feeling out of place sometimes. Even when it's a one-to-one conversation, I usually find it hard to keep the conversation going, except on rare occasions. I tend to end up speechless, as in I have nothing to reply to the person. Is it because I'm a boring person? People must not like spending time with me because I'm boring. Of course, the people I'm referring to here are the acquaintances, not close friends. I take it for granted that close friends i.e. those who are reading this like, or at least can tolerate, spending time with me haha.

And is it really that weird to be walking around school alone? I'm perfectly fine with being alone, but apparently some people think I'm a loner. This guy from my og saw me walking alone in school and he asked on the whatsapp group chat why do I always seem to be alone lol. Uh, because I just came from home? Okay even if I did not come from home, is there anything wrong with being alone? Grow up man. Why do people at this age still think that way?

Anyway, I'm not exactly enjoying uni life because of the company I have. Idk, some people I feel are just using me as a spare tyre, when they have no one else to accompany them. Others are just a superficial relationship whereby we meet up to go for lectures for our pre-allocated mods. And referring back to the first paragraph, it's understandable why I can't seem to get closer to those from my (chess camp) og. They seem to be nice people, but there just isn't any common topic to talk about with them. Oh but I can somehow click with Lynn quite well! She's like the only friend that makes my uni life better.

I went to the Arts Carnival this evening with 4 of the guys from my og and before you start judging me, it's because I had no one else to go with and I really wanted to catch the live performances. So while we were walking from utown to ucc, I had nothing much to talk about with them and was walking alone mostly. It's fine, but that just occurred to me that there's something wrong with my socialising skills. Anyway I'm still grateful that they let me stick onto them, even though everyone left within 30 minutes after the event started lol. I was left with this one guy who seemed sincerely interested in the carnival because he wanted to see the performances by the CCAs. But as expected it was awkward with just two people so we decided to leave the place after watching 2 accapella performances. So I ended up not being able to catch any live bands :( I say I'm okay with being alone, but I guess not at a place where there are people you know who will most likely ask why are you alone and will judge you for it. Yeah, who cares if they judge. But when many people come up with a same judgement of you, you tend to question yourself if you really are what they make you out to be. And for someone like myself, I wouldn't be able to confidently reassure myself that easily.

I suppose the content of this blog is gonna get more private because it's like a place for ranting uni stuff that I have no one to tell to. But yeah, I guess rather than I keep complaining about these shit, I should just think more positively (but I'm a negative person in nature) and find some joy. JOY. Right.