Omg the chantings from today's trip to the temple is still stuck in my head XD And it sounds pretty loud lol

Ahhh idk mannnn. What the hell is going on?!

Y'know, I have underestimated the effect of my grandma's passing on my mum. She seemed to have resumed back to her normal life the past two weeks. Okay she did bring up some things she remembered about my grandma, but she didn't sound too sad so I assumed she was just reminiscing the past. But today when I just saw a post on my mum's fb, I realise that my grandma had played too great a role in my mum's life that even small things like cooking a meal for my family can make her miss my grandma (because the pots were given to my mum from my grandma). I have always repected my mum for her love for my grandma, even though my grandma, being in the older and more conservative generation, likes my uncle more. (Idk where this post is going...) I may have mentioned this before, that my mum is one of my few soft spots haha. I cannot stand seeing her crying or being upset. So yea it's really upsetting to know that she hasn't entirely gotten over my grandma's death. I guess she just needs more time.. I can't imagine if something like that happens to me. Not to mention that I've only spent 19 years with my mum, whereas my mum has spent 50 years with my grandma..

Alicia Keys - If I Ain't Got You Lyrics

Forever an introvert at heart

I will always prefer smaller group interactions haha.

Had the first official Cheway meeting with the entire team today, which has a full strength of 34 people. It was like whoa, too many people hahaha. But it's good cuz I got to know a few more of the non-exco members and I remembered a few more names ^^ It sucks to be bad with names haha cuz it'll make me seem like I can't be bothered with them... Anyway yea I interacted with a few of them over the bridge session haha but they were all from programmes..? It's okay let's take it a step at a time~

Oh yeah I was as I was saying, I really prefer smaller groups like the 8 people during the bridge session. There are just too many things going on at once for big groups. Plus it gets tiring trying to interact in big groups haha and it's convenient for you to just shrink back into your own corner cuz there are so many others talking. But I hope today's session has made the exco seem less exclusive hahaha (though I secretly would rather just spend time with the exco alone oops).

Anyway, it's time for me to spend some time away from school and cheway stuff (other than booking the air tickets for the recce trip)! I'm going to be working for next week at my mum's office, only for a week, but it's in school again LOL. Cuz I don't have to travel ma so might as well right haha!

I wanna find some time to go to the beach! Cheway is intending to go ecp during end December but I only like going to the beach in small groups, like max 4 or 5 people :( I just wanna chillax and enjoy the sea breeze and the sound of the sea waves. I could just sleep there listening to the waves hahaha. And it doesn't help that now I live so far away from ecp... The closest beach is sentosa but I have to pay the entrance fee sian.

The December holidays seem too short for me to do all that I intend to :(

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Thanks kaining <3

Thank You

I am typing this in a separate post because this post is meant to be dedicated to my grandma. For those who are unaware, she passed away peacefully last Tuesday night. (I'll try to keep this light-hearted though!)

This is not the first time someone has passed away in my extended family, but it's the first time someone I really loved has passed away. The feelings you experience is really different. Previously when my uncle passed away 3 years ago, I could still hold back my tears, but this time round I couldn't. There was just too much memories, too much feelings. But it could probably be because this time round it was rather unexpected, unlike my uncle who had been suffering from cancer.

According to the doctors, my grandma had suffered from an acute heart attack. It happened when my uncle was bringing her to the clinic that evening because she said she felt unwell, then she simply fainted there and was rushed to the hospital. When my cousin left a message on the whatsapp chat saying that my grandma had fainted and was being admitted to the hospital, I feel very guilty saying this but, I honestly didn't make a big deal out of it because it was not the first time she was being hospitalised. Previously she had been hospitalised also because she had fallen down two times I think. I simply thought that something similar had happened and that it was nothing too serious. So when I saw my mum's worried face when she heard about what had happened, I realised that I should have been more concerned about it. After all, she was already 85 and anything that happens to her should not been overlooked.

What happened afterwards went by in a flash, for real. From reaching the hospital, the doctor declaring her death, to the wake and her funeral (which I unfortunately was unable to attend due to my exam on that day), everything happened way too fast. Just like that, a part of my life has been changed. I have been going to my grandma's house every Saturday evening for dinner since primary school, more frequently in secondary school and even more so in JC after my uncle who was living with her passed away. I've just started becoming closer to my grandma in recent years because I didn't know how to interact with her in the past. Now my Saturday evenings are free and there's no longer a cute old granny to tell me to 'eat more' and to mix up my sis' name with mine.

I'm glad I made the decision to visit her the last Saturday before she left us. I could have continued staying in school to study (it was the day after the math paper) but I decided to lompang my parents' car to her house. My parents even brought my dog there haha and my grandma threw a tennis ball to play with her. I think it's really cute how my grandma kept all the toys she could find around the house that she wanted to use to play with my dog. She used to dislike my previous dog but she surprisingly likes Ruby haha. That's why we decided to bring Ruby along since we couldn't leave her alone at home when we're over at my grandma's place for her wake. Something I regretted was not spending more time with her when I went to visit her on a Sunday a few weeks back when my parents were overseas. I only spent about an hour at her house before leaving for my haircut and going back school to study... She talked about how her father was biased to her brothers and how she couldn't complete her secondary school education because he was unwilling to pay for her school fees and many other things. I suppose old people just want someone to listen to them talk. Even though I could have made an effort to stay longer, I'm still glad I decided to make the trip down that day. Honestly, I had the mindset that I should visit her while I still could because I didn't want to leave any regret when she passes away. I'm serious. Idk why I started thinking that way, but I didn't expect it to be so soon.

Nonetheless, I think it's good that she left us this way, instead of having to suffer with an illness.

That's why leave no room for regrets everyone. Love the people you love. Make time for them, make them happy.

And no worries guys, I'm all fine :)

sum(nus_sem1)

I shall do a summary of my first sem in NUS chemical engineering before I become too lazy to do so.

Honestly speaking, uni life was not what I expected. It is so much more fast-paced than JC life because you're expected to learn so much content and master them all within a semester/15 weeks. Not to mention that everyone else is equally or even more capable than you are. For my first sem, I kinda regretted taking up Sociology hahaha. I mean sure, it was interesting when you listen to the lecturers talk about how they analyse something sociologically and it gives you new perspective, but, as with most other Humanities subject, studying for this subject was a damned burden! Then again, I guess I gained some knowledge in the sense that I can throw out names of some Sociologists like Weber, Durkheim, Marx... (but really, these are the 3 big sociologists that we have to know at the very least HAHA).

Matlab was another huge burden. Friends around me would have heard me complaining about this programming module over and over again. I'm sorry I just can't help but to let it all out >< I really think I'm super screwed for my exam, considering how apparently everyone is doing quite well according to our lab TA. Ugh whatever at the most I'll just retake this module next sem... CN was okay, not exactly very interesting but still fine. The exam paper was horrible though. I only knew how to do 3/6 questions in the paper and I'm not even confident that my final answer is correct :o But somehow it seems like most people found the paper hard too so I'm not alone haha! It's all up to the bell curve now... I really cannot afford to offend the bell curve god cuz I didn't do well for my mid-terms sigh. Nothing much to say about math and GEK (another burden ._.)

Apart from studies, uni life is still not what I had expected. Because I have met a group of friends that I really like and feel comfortable around to just be myself. Really thankful for knowing the Cheway exco, who included me in their study groups despite my lack of contribution :( Yea I basically spent the last 3 weeks studying with them, plus Haolin (Lynn, please don't...), in school everyday that I'm so sick of the food at Techno! Without their company, I really think I'll just die from the stress and boredom from studying. And not to mention the resources that they generously share amongst each other. Who says the world is cold-hearted? The world is filled with kind people. I really hope I'll be able to stick through these 4 years with this gang.

And idk if he'll even see this, but I'm really thankful for Jason for including me in many of his groups, like Cheway and the outstanding engineers lol. If not because of his friendliness (which I even felt that he was too friendly for my liking on the first day I met him hahaha) I probably would not be as outgoing as I am right now. You have no idea how surprised I was when that day Sherman and Zhikang mentioned in the whatsapp chat that they thought I am an extrovert. LOL right. I was like HUH are they being serious?! Then I thought about it and yeah I probably wouldn't have spoken this way back in JC. I figured it was because having someone around that I was comfortable with made me open up myself easier. I guess I'm achieving my goal of being less conservative and just having fun (but I still think I'm far from being an extrovert la)! I held back too much in the past, mainly because I was afraid of offending/hurting people if I made spoke carelessly to them. My close friends would know that I'm kinda GL hahaha but I behave like that to people I know who won't get offended and can just joke around. That was probably because I tried to hard to please everyone, I didn't like it if someone disliked me. But now I don't really care lol unless we're talking about someone I like (as a friend/person). Life is much easier this way~

Oh and another thing, it must be the bad influence from the polluted cheway exco because stirring has kind of become a habit -.- I'm sorry guys please give me some time to get rid of this bad habit haha. And I realised I have been saying 'I don't know' way too often lol it just makes me appear thoughtless so I should refrain from that too. Speaking of which, I really should start thinking about what I want in life...