When someone's actions doesn't deserve any respect, you don't have to show him respect. It doesn't matter how much younger you are than him. The respect you show to a person should not be measured by his age or seniority. It's so ironic how people view him as their role model, claiming that he's so "humble" and what shit. I literally scoffed when I first read that. He's by-far the least humble person I know and he's superficial. You will never know how much he cares for his grandmother (i.e. almost inexistent) who took care of him when he was young. For someone like him to have so many worshippers, I must say that the world must be filled with crazy and ignorant people.

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On a separate note, I feel like oversleeping for tomorrow's meeting hahaha. Shall leave it to my body to decide~

I swear uni life screws up your body clock :( It doesn't help that lessons no longer start at 8am everyday so there's nothing stopping you from sleeping till 10am (but I still wake up latest 8am everyday okay...) and so it's okay even if you sleep later at like 1am.

Now my body is accustomed to sleeping at 1am. Any time between 10pm to 1am I'm so awake that so as to not waste my energy I do my work. But before that around 6pm, when I'm just home from school, I always feel tired so I'll end up taking a short nap while waiting for dinner. Yeah, my body clock is screwed like that. For someone like me who prioritises sleep over many other things, you don't know how important sleeping well is lol. I need proper sleep. I'm the grumpiest when I don't get my sleep haha. There were a few nights I told my sister off for making so much noise when I was trying hard to sleep. It's really irritating when you're unable to sleep zz.

Anyway, just a short update on school life: Workload has been increasing exponentially with Soci and GEK assignments due next week, mid-term tests after recess week and not to mention the content we're learning has been getting tougher, which means to say more time spent on tutorials which were once thought to be simple. And next Monday will be my driving test, so I'm kinda spamming driving lessons  now. I got vice-director for ChESS marketing department, so there's a meeting tomorrow (or rather today) evening. On Saturday morning there will be some sort of an orientation with the entire ChESS committee, which means meeting new people and remembering new faces and names again.

Yup that's about it.

Goodnight~

I'm starting to get busy with school, now that it's we're learning more new stuff. It seems like the honeymoon period of revisiting jc content (especially for math) is almost over haha.

Btw, I have some mid-term tests after recess week, but the timings are so gl. 8.30-9.30 PM for a math test. Saturday 10am-12pm for CN test. SERIOUSLY.

Stay grateful

Let me just remind myself again that life has been rather good to me the past 19 years. There have been a few occasions whereby I do get what I wished for.

In primary school, my parents wanted me to enter the top two schools, but I didn't want to and secretly I wished to get into dhs. When the results came out and I applied for the schools based on my parent's wishes, but it turns out I had missed the cut-off point by just a few decimal points and I was allocated to dhs. That was not the end though, because my mum made me appeal for nygh and I went (at that time I was terrible at voicing out my opinions, even towards my family), but of course I didn't make it through. That's how I ended up in dhs, the school that I secretly wanted to enter. I still find it amazing really, it's like fate.

And of course, thanks to this, I was able to meet some of the most important people in my life, who I believe will continue to be of great significance to my life even in the far future.

Why I say life has been good to me is because while I eventually do get what I wished for, they do not come easily. I mean, it seems as though if one single thing had turned out differently, I would not have been able to get what I wanted. If I had a slightly higher aggregate score or if I had succeeded in the appeal, I wouldn't have spent the past 6 years in dhs, and not to say meet the people there. Another example would be A levels. What I wanted was simply to get into chem eng, which I am in now, and to me it didn't matter how many As I get. Turns out I scored well enough to get into the course I wanted, but not well enough to get into any other more prestigious courses or to get a scholarship. Of course, I'm not downplaying the effort I put in, it could be that I worked sufficiently hard to get what I wanted. So if I had aimed higher I probably would have worked even harder and got it as well. But either way, life has been fair to me. It has given me the minimum of my expectations at the least.

My family and friends are healthy, I'm born in a place that is free from disasters, I'm able-bodied with no major illnesses, born to a family that's relatively well to do with one of the kindest parents ever who will always protect and look over me, I have friends who genuinely care for me. What else do I want? Stop neglecting the things I already have and be grateful.

From the very bottom of my heart, thank you guys.

Okay it's all right. Figured I just have to keep reminding myself that only the people important to you matter, like family and close friends. What others think of you is trivial because they don't know me all that well to judge me.

All right let's goooooooo!

I'm really bad at socialising. I always do not know what to say when people talk, so I end up just listening and feeling out of place sometimes. Even when it's a one-to-one conversation, I usually find it hard to keep the conversation going, except on rare occasions. I tend to end up speechless, as in I have nothing to reply to the person. Is it because I'm a boring person? People must not like spending time with me because I'm boring. Of course, the people I'm referring to here are the acquaintances, not close friends. I take it for granted that close friends i.e. those who are reading this like, or at least can tolerate, spending time with me haha.

And is it really that weird to be walking around school alone? I'm perfectly fine with being alone, but apparently some people think I'm a loner. This guy from my og saw me walking alone in school and he asked on the whatsapp group chat why do I always seem to be alone lol. Uh, because I just came from home? Okay even if I did not come from home, is there anything wrong with being alone? Grow up man. Why do people at this age still think that way?

Anyway, I'm not exactly enjoying uni life because of the company I have. Idk, some people I feel are just using me as a spare tyre, when they have no one else to accompany them. Others are just a superficial relationship whereby we meet up to go for lectures for our pre-allocated mods. And referring back to the first paragraph, it's understandable why I can't seem to get closer to those from my (chess camp) og. They seem to be nice people, but there just isn't any common topic to talk about with them. Oh but I can somehow click with Lynn quite well! She's like the only friend that makes my uni life better.

I went to the Arts Carnival this evening with 4 of the guys from my og and before you start judging me, it's because I had no one else to go with and I really wanted to catch the live performances. So while we were walking from utown to ucc, I had nothing much to talk about with them and was walking alone mostly. It's fine, but that just occurred to me that there's something wrong with my socialising skills. Anyway I'm still grateful that they let me stick onto them, even though everyone left within 30 minutes after the event started lol. I was left with this one guy who seemed sincerely interested in the carnival because he wanted to see the performances by the CCAs. But as expected it was awkward with just two people so we decided to leave the place after watching 2 accapella performances. So I ended up not being able to catch any live bands :( I say I'm okay with being alone, but I guess not at a place where there are people you know who will most likely ask why are you alone and will judge you for it. Yeah, who cares if they judge. But when many people come up with a same judgement of you, you tend to question yourself if you really are what they make you out to be. And for someone like myself, I wouldn't be able to confidently reassure myself that easily.

I suppose the content of this blog is gonna get more private because it's like a place for ranting uni stuff that I have no one to tell to. But yeah, I guess rather than I keep complaining about these shit, I should just think more positively (but I'm a negative person in nature) and find some joy. JOY. Right.

Hah it's okay... What else can I say? At least I tried. Even though it may be a little hurting. But it's fine, you just have to be sure of who really matters to you and not be hurt by those who don't.